someone threw a dead crab at me
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize