I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
