What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
