My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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