your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
