I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
