i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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