fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
