Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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