someone threw a dead crab at me
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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