Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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