I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
