im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
