meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
