I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
