The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
