If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
