Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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