The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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