Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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