I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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