My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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