On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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