I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
