at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
