Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
