final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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