Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
