Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I looked at my own cervix.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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