I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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