She is in my trunk
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
