Tell her she can't have a vagina
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
