Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
