im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
