I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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