I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
