yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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