I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
