She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
