I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
