my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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