Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
