4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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