Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
