I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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