This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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