I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
