she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
