Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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