just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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