Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
