totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you will always have a special place in my vag
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
