It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We are all done wearing pants today
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
