Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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