i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
