She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
