never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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