Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
