it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize